So as I sit here, avoiding finishing a test I have to write for my students, and generally avoiding doing any work at all, I feel overwhelmed. This is silly, I know. After all, it is not like my life is all that hard. Sure, having no money sucks, but that just means I’m like most of the rest of the world. It is safe to say that I have that in common with at least 50% of the world’s population.
And then I read news items, which I shouldn’t, and they just make me feel worse. There have been many times when it feels like life is not really worth living. I mean, we die in the end anyway, right? So why go throught the struggles and hardships that we face everyday? Why not just get out early?
I want to be clear that I am not suicidal. I am in no danger of ending my own existence. When it happens (because it will, death is the one thing we can count on in life) it will happen and that will be that. However, I am not going to seek it out. There’s simply no need. Death will find me when it is time.
I think I’m just in a bit of a funk. I had a pretty good week, and spent some time with friends, but my daily life leaves something to be desired. I spend most of my days in my office, working and internetting. When I am not in my office, I am teaching. All of this is fine too, it’s my job after all. But it is difficult living here at times. I don’t speak the language (though I am trying to learn some more…it’s a slow process but I’m picking some of it up) and that makes it really hard. I mean how are you supposed to talk to someone if you neither of you has a common language in which to communicate?
It makes for interesting and fun times, though, and that’s how I try to look at it as each day passes. I cannot dwell on how difficult things can be at times. Down that road lies madness and depression–neither of which I am fond of or desire to have in my life. But it would be nice to have someone to share these interesting and fun times with. I don’t mean a girlfriend, per se, though that would be nice. I mean just a close friend who can understand me, and maybe relate to some of the things going on in my life. Someone to be there to offer a little support. We could all use a little support from a good friend now and then.
I guess the point of this whole meandering, near non-sensical post is that I am feeling lonely, and I will wrap this up soon because it is getting extremely close to a woe is me pity party, and that was not my intention when I sat down to write this post. I just had some things on my chest that I had to get out there. I find that it helps me to put these thoughts down in print. The act of writing doesn’t make these feelings go away, but it does give them an outlet, and that is key too because I know that if I kept them inside they would eat away at me, and then I would die an early death. Or at least, I would die before I was ready, which is not something I am going to be for a long while.