“She was just an innocent…

…how could you God they cried, the day that Farrah Fawcett died.”

Those lyrics are from the song The Day Farrah Fawcett Died by punk band The Vandals. The song is about the shock and disbelief one person feels at the loss of this beautiful and courageous woman, and how he cannot accept that she is dead. In his resistance to accept her death he invents all kinds of scenarios, like a government cover up, or an intruder, or denies the official story as in, “they say the road was icy but that just don’t add up.”

The song also references the popular “they come in threes” theory put forth by conspiracy theorists, and popularized by the close assassinations of President John F. Kennedy (Nov. 22, 1963), Doctor Martin Luther King , Jr.(Apr. 4, 1968) and Senator Robert Kennedy (June 6, 1968), to add to the narrator’s paranoid conspiracy theorist’s authenticity as well as his frighteningly…


…semi-accurate …

…luck prediction that the death of Farrah Fawcett would result be surrounded by two other deaths. In the song, Bobby Kennedy does not die. Farrah Fawcett takes his place, but the point is still well made: three public figures were killed as the result of a conspiracy.

Of course this claim of conspiracy is almost totally without merit, but hey, it could be true, and events in the past two days, especially today, support a conspiracy claim. What once was a joke (a good one, even) and too ridiculous to ever be considered seems to have come true, in a vague sense: Farrah.

Still, you have to acknowledge The Vandals coincidental precognition in this matter, and admit that it is funny in a morbid way, like being raped by a clown because you made fun of his shoes. Admit it you would laugh at someone getting raped by a clown because of a shoe insult (or at least the idea of it. You’re laughing right now, I know it).

like this clown for instance, tell me that he wouldnt rape you on principle, no matter what you said.

like this clown for instance, tell me that he wouldn't rape you on principle, no matter what you said.

After all, if you are going to make fun 0f a clown’s over sized red shoes that make him look like a human duck when he walks, then you should expect for him to rape your ass (in this instance, ass does not refer to the anal area of the human body, but rather as the vulgar colloquialism for a person/body. So really, I could have just written rape you instead of rape your ass, but it seems to me that the latter holds more weight. It could simply be because of the use of vulgarity, which is somewhat funny, but definitely not original, inspired, or creative. I suppose, if I wanted to have the same meaning, but use language that is less vulgar than rape your ass while still being able to communicate the same idea I would. Unfortunately, I am not that creative.

But I digress…

So Farrah Fawcett died today, the third celebrity death in a week, and one of two on the same day.

The King of Pop, Michael Jackson, also died today from “unclear circumstances” He was found in his home, “not breathing.” Sounds fishy to me. (though his death violates the “they come in threes” theory because of David Carradine and Ed Mcmahon’s deaths earlier this month, but I guess that just makes this guy:

Before he got all freaky and started feeding off of the souls of children and monkeys so that he could become the King Kong of pop.

seem kind of like this guy (in terms of major public figures who died/were assassinated):

And on June 23rd, 3 days ago for me, Ed Mcmahon died from no specific cause of death, but was said to have been suffering from a “multitude of health problems the last few months.” Again, this sounds fishy. Sure, Edward Mcmahon (are you paying attention to the names because there is something that they all have in common, aside from the obvious use of vowels and consonants?) was 86 and had recently been hospitalized for pneumonia (or was it bone cancer?–either way, there are suspicious circumstances surrounding his demise).

And then there is Mr. Kung-Fu himself:

David Carradine, found dead in a hotel in Japan on June 4th in Bangkok from an apparent attempt at auto asphyxiation gone awry (either that or it was ninjas working for the Bangkok underground trying to stop Carradine’s on man crusade against the dark underbelly of Thailand’s capitol city) is the fourth celebrity to die this month.

Dont mess with the ninja, they will hang you and tie a string around your wee wee

Don't mess with the ninja, they will hang you and tie a string around your wee wee

Where are Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Damme when you need them?

These two are the reason Caine no longer walks the earth

These two are the reason Caine no longer walks the earth

I mean, if nothing else they could have provided a cannon fodder type distraction, sacrificing themselves so that Carradine could go all Caine on the ninjas sent to take his life in a most dishonorable fashion, and the world would totally win because Carradine would still be alive and we would finally be without Messrs. Segal and Van Damme. A win win for everybody if you ask me (well except for Van Damme and Segal, I suppose, but who really cares about them?)

So David Carradine, Ed Mcmahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson are all dead, and under mysterious circumstances. Fawcett, in fact, is the only  one whose cause of death is clear, but that makes it all the more suspicious. the scent of foul play is in the air.

But, if we are going to talk about conspiracy, we need to ask the question, what linked all four of these people together? Well, they were all celebrities, and they were all extremely popular in the 70’s. Mcmahon was popular for decades, but the 70’s and 80’s really were his bread and butter, and the same goes for Jacko. So they were all popular celebrities. That is not enough to build a conspiracy upon. Still, though, it is a little too convenient that these four actual celebrities (not celebutants like Paris Hilton et al) passed away under less than clear circumstances.

There seems to be no motivation behind these deaths–just weird circumstance, alleged drug use, cancer, or death by ninja–but that does not mean that one does not exist. They could have been preparing to form an All Star superpowered Celebrity Crime Fighting Team, and their first stop was Bangkok to meet up with Carradine, their leader and mentor. Mcmahon would have been the technology expert, and the dude who did the talking when shit needed to be said. Fawcett, obviously, would be the sexy distraction who could strangle you with her long blond and flowing hair. Jackson would be the agile sneak (don’t call him a ninja) that could not only pund your ass with the big white cast on his arm, but also shatter your ear drums and nearby windows with his perfect pitch voice. And when you are lying on the floor bruised all over and with your shattered ears drums bleeding, he would moonwalk all over you, just to show you that he could do it.

This is a scary celebrity team, and one that would be a force worth reckoning with. Hell, I doubt even this guy:

The Super team of Carradine, Mcmahon, Fawcett and Jackson plagues my dream and turns them to nightmares. Won't somebody please hold me?

would stand much of a chance against them, and for that they had to die. I’d be willing to put money on the fact that they did die because they were forming a super celebrity team and that their ultimate goal was the elimination of Chuck Norris because he is too dangerous to let live. Mr. Norris, upon hearing this, sent his minions, led by this gal:

to distract and take care of Mr. Carradine. Once this happened, the rest of the team was easy to eradicate because as awesome as they all were, they were listless and adrift in this big bad world without their mentor, leader, and friend. Carradine was like Charlie, and the others were his Angels, old, creepy and wrinkled, but Angels nonetheless, and as we all know, once Charlie is out of the picture, the Angels run around helplessly like the morons they are.

And one final thing. Remember when I asked if you were paying attention to the names of the celebrities that have died? Well here is why:

Farrah Fawcett is four syllables. David Carradine is five syllables. Ed Mcmahon is three syllables and Michael Jackson is four. The average number of syllables in these names is four. That’s right: four deaths, four syllables per death, and because of this, any of the above names could be substituted for Farrah Fawcett in The Vandals song The Day Farrah Fawcett Died.

Think about it.


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