Agent Stahl is dead…hip hip hooray… hip hip hooray. No longer will I have to endure the rapsy gaspy wheezy vocals of Agent Stahl and the actress who plays her…Ally Walker. (I seem to using a lot of ellipses in this post, or at least I have so far).
I must admit that while I am happy the character is dead and she got her comeuppance in a most satisfying way–Opie…Opy…I’m not sure which is the proper spelling…but I choose to go with Opie. It’s got more letters and therefore looks more distinguished…(Oh no, the ellipses are back.) I will miss her. I will not miss the way she talked, or how she carried herself. I will not miss her predictable bitchiness nor will I miss her backstabbing ways. I will miss what she brought to the show, though… a truly interesting, manipulative, and smart villain. It took a long time for the show to plumb the depths of her villainy and suckitude (too long, if you ask this viewer, and even if you don’t ask, I will just tell you–it took too long for the show to resolve the Stahl situation…well…maybe it didn’t take too long, maybe it’s just it felt too long because Agent Stahl was one of those characters that crawls under your skin and worms around.
There is nothing inherently admirable about her…she sells people out constantly, double crosses, murders and is generally a nogoodnik who just happens to work for the ATF…and yet I had to admire her gumption and pure ambition. She was a character you (and by you and I mean “I”) loved to hate. I truly did. I always groaned when she came on screen, but I was also a little happy and excited. I couldn’t wait to see what new and interesting way she would prove herself to be an awful human being, and a pretty inept law enforcement officer…and I was seldom disappointed in her behavior, as much as it irked me at times (like ALL the time).
But now Stahl is dead and gone, meaning mouth gasping Ally Walker has gone with her and for that I am thankful. It is true that I hated the character of Stahl because she was such a…that part of a female body that rhymes with punt…but the fact that she was portrayed by Ally Walker really upped the ante. When I write about the “Ally Walker response” and how I want to punch someone in the face, it is Ally Walker, not Agent Stahl, who brings forth that urge, and it’s mainly because the woman seems to take three loud breathes before every word she speaks. It drives me insane. Thankfully though I won’t have to put up with her on Sons of Anarchy any longer and for that I am grateful.
So goodbye Agent Stahl, may you not rest in piece but be trapped in a room with a rabid Grizzly, Shia Lebouf (or whatever, you know who I mean–this asshole), and the baby from Eraserhead.
And goodbye Ally Walker, may you never be in anything I will ever see from this day on.